"... mourn with those who mourn." romans 12:15

"... mourn with those who mourn."  

romans 12:15

With the death of Brett’s dad you may be thinking, “I don’t know what to say or to do”.

You don’t want to say the wrong thing, but might think, “I should say something, right?” And what does Paul mean when he instructs us in Romans 12:15 to 'mourn with those who mourn"?

For myself, and I am no expert in dealing with the pain and mourning of others, but I have had painful experiences in my own life and have learned first hand some things that hurt and some that helped when I lost my dad suddenly when I was 19, lost our home in a fire, suffered personal loss from hurricane Katrina and recently lost my mother and father in law in the past 7 months apart. In addition, I have listened to and walked through grief and mourning with others and have learned so much from how they have reacted from what well meaning friends did or did not do when they suffered loss. 

The following are some, basic PRACTICAL suggestions, by no means meant to include everything, but may help you to ‘mourn with those who mourn’. 

It may be simple, but it is profound. 

Pray 

and

Tell them you love them and that you care.  Hug them, even say, “I am so sorry for your loss”.  Then wait and allow them to respond or not respond.  Awkward? Perhaps, yes.  Certainly, it can be, because there are raw, unscripted emotions being experienced.  Sincere?  ABSOLUTELY.  Take the time to tell them you love them, you are there for them if they need anything, express that you are sorry.  It is best to be brief, to the point, sincere and to take your lead from the person in mourning.  This is not the time to compare their tragedy or loss to anything you have experienced.  This is their time to mourn and it is about them and not you.  

Attending Services for their loved one

Attending the funeral for someone who is mourning can be the most caring way they receive love that leads to healing.  In the moment of tragedy they may not be able to express their gratitude to you, but it is my personal experience that WE remember you were there.  We, the family, talk about how honored our loved ones were by the attendance to celebrate them.  It has been something I hear over and over again from those experiencing grief how much that mattered to them when others attended the services for their loved one. 

Be Present

One of the best things you can do when someone is facing great personal tragedy is just to be in the same room with them.

They are not asking or expecting you to try to fix things, not trying to cheer them up or give them a theology lesson, but simply and only to sit there with them.

There is great comfort in having people around you in times of tragedy.

And the nice thing about being present with those in pain is that you don’t have to try to think of something to say or do, unless they ask you to.  When it is time to let them be alone, pray, God will guide you, then allow then to be alone. 

Stop

One of the universal experiences of tragedy is that people who go through it simply want to the world to stop for a few days. It is shocking to be reminded that people are still going to work, taking vacations, and living life. The world has come to an end for the person going through tragedy, and often they just want people to recognize and accept this timeless void with them.

This is not a time to look at your watch, make plans, discuss the future, talk about work, or anything that involves the steady turning of the world and constant passing of time. When you are with those who mourn, do your best to help time stand still.

Serve

When a person or family is going through personal tragedy, they usually can’t or don’t want to think about things that show the passing of time and that life is going on around them. So things like cooking meals, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn are often good things to do for families and individuals in their pain.

These actions are not substitutes for being present with the person, however. If we are not present with them, but busy ourselves with such tasks around the house, our actions may be interpreted as wanting to distance ourselves from their pain. So instead, these acts of service should primarily be done when they indicate they want to be alone or you bring over the meal.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list, and I know that not all of these pieces of advice will apply to every person and every situation. But in my own experiences and in my own conversations, these sorts of things are commonly mentioned as being helpful for those people who face tragedy, grief, and pain.

I hope this helps some for all of us who desire to be more like Jesus and “mourn with those who mourn”, Romans 12:15

Gaylyn

Self-LESS

Self-LESS

This past 2 weeks In Kenya, with the Project 82 team, ripped away all my excuses that I make for myself, and how often I shrink back, from looking you, my friend, eye to eye, and challenging you to rethink your excuses.  I am much more comfortable dealing with my own apathy or rationalizations, but I squirm and avoid pointing out anyone else's weak excuses.  You see, I prefer others to come to their own conclusion.  I listen and entertain others when they say, ' I dont know if am called to that'.  But things are different now.

God chose to place, examples of selfless love before me, in ways that even I could not miss them.  Over and over again, absolute examples of ' less of me, Lord, more of you' ways of living and a complete surrender to, 'I must decrease so that you, Lord, can increase'.  This was not a campaign or a short term response to a natural disaster or a need, but a way of life.  Not a compassionate reaction in the immediate, but an enduring, daily, long term, 'all in', committed, LIFE.  

Living LOVE, selfless love, without thought or regard of receiving, or a 'what's in it for ME' mentality, simply, not thinking of self at all.  In most cases you needed to be close enough to 'catch them'!    
Glory; what beauty to behold.

I thank God for the examples He gave.
-Like the small number of leaders in Molo, who began a feeding program, for orphans and vulnerable children, with food from their own family tables.  
-I marveled at a precious friend in Segera, who is raising 7 children, who she did not give birth to.  With her love of God and love for those orphans, she has created one of the most loving homes and a family of sweet children who know Jesus and love one another. 
-I got to see a nun in Maralal, light up as she explained how their baby home is a haven for babies who have been abandoned and were in need of rescue. 
- I sat there grateful for the stern, but compassionate, clinical officer, who saw a very young, Turkana mom and her 6 month old baby girl, diagnosed the infant's problem, gave meds and treated the baby and mom.

Simple and profound example after example of self-LESS love. 
-Like the child we handed a slice of bread to in the slums, who did not eat it, but handed it to his baby brother that he was carrying on his back.
-the act of slipping a few dollars to a teen who needs some supplies to complete his last year of secondary school.  
-To watch a young women moved to buy baby toys and books for an orphanage that has zero.
-Also witnessing a friend giving some shillings so 2 young girls could get their hair braided and feel a bit better about themselves.

I also got to see and hear testimonies, of what Self-LESSness has produced in others.  
-A Compassion International sponsored child, that has grown into a bright, highly motivate and wise young man.  An adult now, who is not only providing for his family and his extended family, but is working with US AID, Kenya office, and using his first hand experience and formal education to influence a change of how NGO's and relief is given throughout Kenya. 
-To see how a very young woman who has gone through the tragic death of her own baby boy articulate that, ' I still have hope'. And because of selfless people that rallied around her in prayer and wise counsel, she has a shine about her that only comes from hope in the Father.  

Absolutely amazing to watch.  Example after example of selfLESSness.  Not one of these mentioned were looking for a pat on the back or someone to notice them.  Each one praised God for the love they receive and the example of Christ that had been shown to them by someone else.  Self- LESS.

With the examples I shared, some were small acts of love, some were huge, all caused impact, none were fleeting, and all came from people who loved with their lives, with little or no regard of self. 

So what now? You and I could chat and I am sure we would come around to our excuses, like the ones I give and the excuses i hear most frequently; the one that expresses that poverty and it's issues are too big, I can't make a difference; or how economically uncertain the present times are, so I must be safe with my spending of money AND time; and about time, well there simply isn't any or enough, "I could never (go, live, allow...) I don't have time for that'; or how you are too young, or you are too old; or you just don't know what to do, where to begin, or how to get involved. Our conversation could be diverted from discussing steps to living selflessly to discussing the interpretation of scriptures like, 'the poor will always be among us', or it's not 'my' calling, or 'my' spiritual gift, or 'I' have not heard God; or 'I' am not sure that is God's will for 'me'..... etc., etc., etc., but, ENOUGH! 
Stop, please, none of this is about 'me' or 'you'.  

Satan is winning or in the very least wiggling his way into our thoughts that somehow 'we' are the priority.  I want to be clear,  it is not about Me and it is not about You. 

Andrew Murray says this in his writings on Humility, 'Self is the whole evil of fallen nature; self-denial is our capacity of being saved...'

And from God's word we are reminded- 
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves."
Philippians 2:3
"Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law."
Romans 13:7-9
And 
Psalm 82:3 says, "Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
   maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute."

Witnessing self-LESS love is a beautiful thing, receiving it is unexplainable, giving it, well it is, supernatural.  

Pray.  Take steps to die to self thinking, self preservation, Self.   Place someone else before yourself and  DO SOMETHING!!! 
Sponsor a child, feed a homeless person, pray without ceasing for someone else, fill a backpack with food, give up a vacation week for an 'other's focused' week, send, give, spend yourself on something or on someone who cannot 'pay' you back or maybe not even be able to say thank you, do a 'random act of kindness',  'pay it forward'.... Call it whatever you like, but clearly it is God's will, call, desire, mandate, heart... 
For us to be HIS and be self-LESS.

Gaylyn