"... mourn with those who mourn." romans 12:15

"... mourn with those who mourn."  

romans 12:15

With the death of Brett’s dad you may be thinking, “I don’t know what to say or to do”.

You don’t want to say the wrong thing, but might think, “I should say something, right?” And what does Paul mean when he instructs us in Romans 12:15 to 'mourn with those who mourn"?

For myself, and I am no expert in dealing with the pain and mourning of others, but I have had painful experiences in my own life and have learned first hand some things that hurt and some that helped when I lost my dad suddenly when I was 19, lost our home in a fire, suffered personal loss from hurricane Katrina and recently lost my mother and father in law in the past 7 months apart. In addition, I have listened to and walked through grief and mourning with others and have learned so much from how they have reacted from what well meaning friends did or did not do when they suffered loss. 

The following are some, basic PRACTICAL suggestions, by no means meant to include everything, but may help you to ‘mourn with those who mourn’. 

It may be simple, but it is profound. 

Pray 

and

Tell them you love them and that you care.  Hug them, even say, “I am so sorry for your loss”.  Then wait and allow them to respond or not respond.  Awkward? Perhaps, yes.  Certainly, it can be, because there are raw, unscripted emotions being experienced.  Sincere?  ABSOLUTELY.  Take the time to tell them you love them, you are there for them if they need anything, express that you are sorry.  It is best to be brief, to the point, sincere and to take your lead from the person in mourning.  This is not the time to compare their tragedy or loss to anything you have experienced.  This is their time to mourn and it is about them and not you.  

Attending Services for their loved one

Attending the funeral for someone who is mourning can be the most caring way they receive love that leads to healing.  In the moment of tragedy they may not be able to express their gratitude to you, but it is my personal experience that WE remember you were there.  We, the family, talk about how honored our loved ones were by the attendance to celebrate them.  It has been something I hear over and over again from those experiencing grief how much that mattered to them when others attended the services for their loved one. 

Be Present

One of the best things you can do when someone is facing great personal tragedy is just to be in the same room with them.

They are not asking or expecting you to try to fix things, not trying to cheer them up or give them a theology lesson, but simply and only to sit there with them.

There is great comfort in having people around you in times of tragedy.

And the nice thing about being present with those in pain is that you don’t have to try to think of something to say or do, unless they ask you to.  When it is time to let them be alone, pray, God will guide you, then allow then to be alone. 

Stop

One of the universal experiences of tragedy is that people who go through it simply want to the world to stop for a few days. It is shocking to be reminded that people are still going to work, taking vacations, and living life. The world has come to an end for the person going through tragedy, and often they just want people to recognize and accept this timeless void with them.

This is not a time to look at your watch, make plans, discuss the future, talk about work, or anything that involves the steady turning of the world and constant passing of time. When you are with those who mourn, do your best to help time stand still.

Serve

When a person or family is going through personal tragedy, they usually can’t or don’t want to think about things that show the passing of time and that life is going on around them. So things like cooking meals, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn are often good things to do for families and individuals in their pain.

These actions are not substitutes for being present with the person, however. If we are not present with them, but busy ourselves with such tasks around the house, our actions may be interpreted as wanting to distance ourselves from their pain. So instead, these acts of service should primarily be done when they indicate they want to be alone or you bring over the meal.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list, and I know that not all of these pieces of advice will apply to every person and every situation. But in my own experiences and in my own conversations, these sorts of things are commonly mentioned as being helpful for those people who face tragedy, grief, and pain.

I hope this helps some for all of us who desire to be more like Jesus and “mourn with those who mourn”, Romans 12:15

Gaylyn